Outrageous Crazy
by ScandalousScalawag
Summary: The commodor's gone mad, Jacky with Elizabeth...and Will. and ,gasp, will's lost his trousers! Yee Gads the Fellowship of the Rings here to save him.1st F.F. R&R plz.Thanks
1. Intellectual Insanity

**Intellectual Insanity**

Jack Sparrow had just leaked out of a near-death encounter. He and his crew sailed away into the eerie mist of the Caribbean Sea. As Will Turner and Elizabitc..I mean Elizabeth sealed their undying love with a kiss. Or…truthfully only a friendly smooch. As you all know, or should know, that this tale ended with Jack snapping shut the compass and ending his famed, merry little jingle, but the real taledid not end there. No, Jack continued with his especial musical talents. He pulled out his "borrowed" panpipe and continued with a favorable little ditty called "Yankee Doodle." I don't know where he came up with that one, seeing as it wasn't composed until 70 years later. He popped out of his shirt a bottle of prized island rum; you can see where he got the name "Rum-belly".

As he and his motley crew of scally wags sailed away. Will and Elizabeth were naughtily stripping in front of the entire British navy, who were a bit surprised yet enticingly entertained. As an overly intrigued viewer got too close he was knocked unconscious by a certain flying plumed hat. The governor, shocked by his daughter's actions, fainted into the overly voluminous bosom of a drunken man's wife, soon to land the governor six feet under a granite head stone, and leave Elizabeth an orphan.

"Mommy, what are they doing?" squeaked a little child observing the scene with wide eyes.

"Well, they are having adult play time, sweetie,"

"Get a room people!"

Will and Elizabeth realized what they were 'doing' and ran towards the governors palace. An energetic shouting voice sang "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…dilly dilly.."

Back to the drunk Jack. After realizing that the responsible thing to do would be to stop drinking and call it a night, Jack sat and thought about stopping, but he could not think with a dry throat, so he sat thinking and drinking. He finally realized he had had enough (realized that there was no more rum), and went to get ready for his useless beauty sleep. We all know itwas useless because no matter how much sleep he gets he wouldnever be as sexy as Will.

After putting on his Hanes Budweiser boxers, he pulled out his cell-phone and dialed Will's number. After knocking over many things in his chamber he got the answering machine.

"Hello, this is Will Turner. I can not come to the phone right now, so please leave a message. Beep!"

Jack was quite taken aback. Will always kept his cell-phone in the back pocket of his trousers. He would have to have answered. Unless he was in danger, or...separated from his trousers! Jack went with the latter decision, and promptly passed out.

You may have wondered where Commodore Norrington wasin this tale. Besides the fact that he is not the most interesting or attractive character. But for those few fans of Norrington, here is a little info about boring, old he.

As you know Elizabeth just blew him off so he obviouslywas a little pissed off. After deciding it was not in his best interest to kill the dear Ms. Swann he stormed off in a jealous rage to find some 'damn Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum'. He stumbled across one of the poor, ignorant townsfolk. It was a young women and in his state of remorse he found her beautiful and fell in love. In truth she was about as pretty as a baboon's backside.

It was passionate, it was wild, it was…a MAN!!

"Elizabeth! What happened to _you_?" Will exclaimed in horror as he noticed something different about her.

'I'm not Elizabeth. My name Miss Cleo and I'm just a poor drag queen." Spoke a deep, raspy voice.

"AHHHH!!!!!!!" Will yelled, jumping back in disgust. He stumbled over a lump on the floor, and looked down to find Elizabeth snoring quite stupidly on top of a desk. Will was quite high on the reefer at this time.

Jack, also snoring, jumped up in bed and hit his head on the upper bunk.

"I must save Will. He might be in any sort of danger!"

Jack went above deck and lowered a rowboat into the murky water. After jumping in and starting to paddle away, a look of surprise came on his face and he abandoned ship and swam toward the Pearl...again. He returned to the dinghy with a triumphant look and his worn old hat in his right hand.

He rowed away toward Port Royal shouting,"I'll save your trousers Will!"

By the way Norrington was screwing around a bit.The husbands of the wives he was messing with weren't exactly thrilled so they decided to press charges against the commodore. But not without some struggle.

"You can't do that only the commodore can send people to jail! I _am _the commodore! I command you to stop! You're pinching me and my wig is falling off!" Norrington sniveled.

"Suck it up, pretty boy. I make the rules now," said a burly man as they reached the jail. So he pulled a part the prison bars with his bare hands stuffed the commodore inside and headed to the bar to get a Bloody Mary with double olives.

Will still in shock and disgust, finally realized that his trouserswere missing. He looked around frantically, until he found them lying next to Elizabeth thong (butt-flosser). She had to ditch that corset for something.

"Ah, my cell-phone. I have…36 new messages?!" Will looked puzzled, "my trousers weren't off that long."

Will was just putting them on when a wet, out of breath Jack burst into the room.

"Will! Your Trousers!" Jack yelled. Then seeing the half put on trousers said, "Oh."

"Jack, what are all the messages about?" Will asked.

" I called to ask if I could borrow…well, I ran out of rum and wanted to 'borrow' some. But when I learned that you were not in contact with your trousers, or your cell-phone, I became dreadfully worried and rushed strait away to your aid!" Jack exclaimed, not including the fact that he slept a whole night before 'rushing strait away to his aid.'

Will and Jack's eyes met.

"I have this feeling," Jack breathed, clutching his stomach, "I've felt it before but only with you." There was a loud noise like a gunshot. Will jumped to the floor and covered his head. Jack took a deep breath and got an odd expression. Elizabeth started on the floor and murmured, "What is that horrid stench?" She sniffed, "OH, hi Jack. I always thought it was the pigs," she cracked open a window. "Who is that imposter?!"

Miss Cleo fled out of the room. Jack soon staggered out also toward the nearest bar with Will and Elizabeth on his heals.

Back to Norrington. We find him in his prison cell, his wig askew, banging a tin cup against the metal bars of his cell, singing an off pitch version of the blues.

"I've got the blues. I've got the stuck in jail, got no girl, got beat up by a bum blues." He sang. Another thought came to his mind and he said aloud, "I want my mac-n-cheez!"

He was interrupted by the heavy footsteps of the portly man who put him there.

"You filth, are to be hanged in two days." He verily grunted.

"You can't hang me! I'm the hero of this story!!" the commodore wined, "You will regret this!"

"Just for that it's one day," he grinned," HEE HEE HA!!!!"

Norrington humphed and kicked at the dirt in his cell. He began to cry and whimper.

"Oh stop it. You're making me soft." The jail keeper sighed," Well for your last day of freedom I'll let you go. Report to the gallows at noon tomarrow. See ya there!"

Norrington giggled with glee as the man unlocked his cell.

Norrington skipped off toward the big flashing exit sign. Once outside he tore his shirt and yelled, " Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm a wild man! I shall wear my trousers inside out with ladies underwear on top!" He then ran around the village screaming his dainty little head off!


	2. A Short Drop and a Sudden Stop and a Hug...

A Short Drop and a Sudden Stop, and a Huge Fro 

Jack started to feel a strong attraction towards Elizabeth, which was no surprise since Jack loved everybody, and when we say everybody we mean, _EVERYBODY. _Will began to get suspicious of this affection when they began making out, but he blamed it on the drinks. Will soon realized that he was losing the love of his life.

Will stood up, pulled Elizabeth away from Jack's grasp, and punched him square in the face. Jack stood up in rage and brought his hand up. He slapped Will across his face. It then turned into a slapping fight.

While this happened, Elizabeth was flirting with the bartender.

After the fight they all went their separate ways (to their own homes). They all had had tremendous hangovers.

Norington, still on his wild side, went off to rob the local wall-greens.

"This is a stick-up!" He yelled.

Everybody screamed, "The commodore has gone mad!"

"Thaaaaaaaaaaaats right!" Norington yelled, "Now, I would like all of your baby powder and a razor…please. And give me gumballs! NOW, or I'll shoot you with my high powered water-gun!"

They gave him the stuff he wanted. He freaked out when they gave him the kind of razor for the face. He started squirting water everywhere. People were screaming, and he was yelling, "Don't you care if I have smooth legs for my hanging?!"

They got him the new _Intuition_ razor for women and he ran out of the store to shave and powder his wig.

By 11:00 his legs were slippery smooth and wig white as a baby's bottom. He had a spaz-attack and flung out the window. Norrington got the idea that he was Peter-Pan and jumped out the 2nd story singing, "I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!" HE had officially gone mad. He stupidly checked his watch and realized that he only had 10 minutes to get to his hanging.

Meanwhile, Will and Elizabeth made up. She had mysteriously strayed into his bed that night.

All three of them headed to the gallows to witness the commodore's hanging.

The commodore stood up on the gallows while everyone watched from below. They were reading off the charges

"Drinking unresponsively, violating married women…"

There was a piercing, girly squeal from the back of the audience. It was the Fellowship of the Ring!

"HELP! HELP! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! My fro is attacking me and I can't get it off! Somebody help me get this damn ring off!" Frodo Screamed.

"Mr. Frodo. Mr. Frodo, you forgot your lunch, nice juicy tatters. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that your head is as big as an olliphaunt. Shall I do the trimming?" Frodo's faithful sidekick, Sam, called.

"Whas tatters, precious? I'm not listening." Gollum hissed.

Gandalf explained, "But you don't have any friends," He gave an evil chortle, "But…nor do I!"

"Can I…I mean, may I kiss you Pip?" Merry stared at him lovingly.

"I thought you'd never ask." Pippin replied as they shared a kiss.

As Boromir shoved his sword into a small mound of dirt he shouted, "I claim this land for Gondor!"

"I will save you little hobbits, even though I am pin-headed and ugly." Aragorn announced.

Gimli the Dwarf complained, "I can't think here…wait, I don't think anywhere," He looked up puzzledly. The Fellowship passed by Elizabeth and Will.

"Hey, do I know you?" a certain sexy elf, Legolas questioned with his voice as sweet as candy on a stick. "Lookin good," he glanced at Elizabeth. He whispered to Will, "We could have done better."

Norrington yelled, "Get the bloody hell out of my movie!"

"Anywho," the announcer continued, "I now sentence…"

"Ooo, Sexy!' a viewer said looking strait at Legolas in awe. Everyone finished,

"SWIMSUIT!"

"CONTINUING!" The announcer screamed impatiently.

"You know, that reminds me!" the commodore stalled, "I saw this really sexy swimsuit at the mall. It was, like, so fetch that I had to bye it. And, it actually exposed my ankles!"

"ENOUGH!" the announcer broke in, "I sentence thee to be hanged by the neck until dead!"

The commodore felt the rough rope slip over his head.

"Well..."

The trap door fell from under Norrington's feet.

"Well, time for us to leave, my fellow comrades." Gandalf lifted his staff to transport them back to Middle Earth. One by one the fellowship was sucked into the light. Gollum managed to hold on long enough to say a few words.

"Once those filthy hobbitses are dead I'll take those tatters and my precious! AAAAHHHH!"

Norrington escaped from the noose by default, they had forgotten to tighten it so he slipped right out. He was ready for an adventure so while Gollum was finishing he did a quite ungraceful dive into the light of the spear.

Nobody really cared what had just happened. Elizabeth and Jack, in a wave of passion, swept away on Jack's little dingy towards the Black Pearl, leaving Will alone and single, but not for long. Wink, wink.

Fantasized by:

The Bloody Bloom Babies

Characters:

Orlando Bloom

And insignificant others


End file.
